Grateful Survivor
There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of my experience with Cushing’s Disease. I have constant reminders that my body is not the same, such as my slightly protruding stomach and a few pounds of extra weight I still carry (the endocrinologist says it is as if I had twins), or the few hairs on my chin, times of decreased energy, and what I call ‘brain spasms’ which are moments when my mind short circuits. How do I live through these moments in time? Very carefully. I remind myself that I don’t have the tumor anymore, than I look out at the sunshine lighting up day and take in a breath of fresh air, so grateful to be alive.
Yes, I catch myself from wandering back to the Cushing’s memories: when I felt like a Cherub, blown up and uncomfortable in my own skin, emotional, feeling like my blood was racing in my veins, breaking my toes, pimples like a teenager, and the dark mustache I knew everyone could see! I still look for those returning signs, relieved that they have not come back. I was told by my surgeon, Dr. Kelly, who was at UCLA during 12/03 – the date of my surgery – that the Macro 1.4 size tumor would not return. When fear grabs me, during times of fatigue and a rush of anxiety, I reassure myself that these are only aftereffects not the tumor returning. I have my cortisol levels tested every year to confirm this fact, and my levels are normal. However, I went through ‘Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome’ from all the medical trauma I endured! It took 12 years for the doctors to finally diagnosis this disorder! You can imagine all the ailments they told me I had or that it was all in my head. I was running around to doctors begging for answers but feeling so discouraged, hopeless, and helpless. I tried many medications hoping for a solution, but none came. I did many holistic treatments, to no avail. Little did I know that I suffered from Cushing’s Disease/Pituitary Tumor!
One day I walked into a Rheumatologist’s office, Dr. David Hallegua, seeking help for my Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue, and the doctor exclaimed I also had Cushing’s Disease because of the obvious physical signs I exhibited. We immediately took an x-ray of the obvious ‘fat’ humps on my shoulders and neck, and he referred me on to a Cushing’s specialist who was an endocrinologist in Los Angeles, Dr. Theodore Friedman. I was finally diagnosed! He confirmed I needed to have the tumor removed immediately and we went forth with the surgery. The surgery was traumatic, and the cortisol withdrawals were horrific for months on end; however, positive changes did occur. I dropped most of the weight, my face structure was visible again, my hair became healthy as did my skin, eventually my moods balanced from the ‘bipolar’ roller coaster of emotions I previously tried to control, and my hormones started balancing. You would think I would be happy and relieved, and I was, believe me! I moved out of Los Angeles, California, and moved to Boulder, Colorado for the slower lifestyle. I started relaxing, and exploring the world around me again. I realized this illness had also given me an amazing gift, one of appreciation for every bird in the sky, every flower that bloomed, every whiff of baked bread, everyday I could walk by the Boulder Creek with vigor, and how I gradually was able to retain information to the point that I could multi-task again! Each little thing was a blessing. I had much gratitude for being alive, remembering the days when I had Cushing’s but didn’t know it and negotiated with God dark agreements…looking back I am glad that I didn’t follow through.
What lesson’s has this teacher left me with? I live in the moment now, present, not running to the past or the future, just appreciating today. Ah, I have today to live! I have come back into my body, proud of my curves, my soft skin, my long hair, my searching eyes, feeling the calm peacefulness that rests in my heart, and the relaxation in my body. It feels good to experience positive sensations, wanting to walk again around the block, to go shopping for clothes, taking a swim in the heat of the summer, all dressed up going to a dinner party with friends, taking meditation classes at the Boulder Shambhala Meditation Center. I have a social life again! For so many years I hid in my house, heavy and unhappy, discouraged and staying in a dysfunctional relationship that was going nowhere. I didn’t know I had an illness, and all I thought was, “who would want me like this”, so I stayed in a relationship that lowered my self-esteem more. Yet, there was a sliver of hope, for I never stopped trying to figure out what was wrong, desperate to find a solution, knowing all along that I was NOT just fat and growing older, at the age of 35! My body was betraying me, that was clear. The lesson, to not give up, to have faith. My warrior came out in me. I became a stronger woman through all of this, and moved through the challenges that were dropped in front of me, bomb by bomb. I came through the surgery with flying colors, hard but I did it! Winning round one! Round two, dropping pound after pound of fat. Round three, learning how to walk and breathe easy again. Round four, winning the grand prize, learning how to relax, and to be happy that I am alive.
I was able to provide counseling services again, and opened my Psychotherapy practice in Boulder, Colorado, older and wiser. I specialize in helping those who are challenged by Chronic Illness, by phone, in person, or in the client’s home if they live in the Boulder area. I can always be reached at www.caringcounselor.com There is life after Cushing’s Disease!
Member: 080204
Newsletter: Fall, 2007
State: Colorado